Empty
by name-me
Summary: After a difficult case, Sara finds herself questioning her feelings and her sanity. Can her friends and her lover help her before its too late?
1. Chapter 1

I had been a long, difficult shift for Sara working a scene at the mental institute. Grissom had apologised over and over again for asking her to do it, knowing how hard it would be for her, telling her she could leave if she needed to, but it hadn't helped. The memories of her childhood had flooded back once again only now, they were joined by those of her attack by Adam Trent in that very building years earlier.

"Here." He placed her breakfast in front of her and sat down at the table opposite her, giving her yet another apologetic smile. She looked up at him, the man she loved, sat at their table, in their house. She smiled back at him. But the smile did not extend beyond her lips.

Silently they began to eat but she found herself struggling after only a few mouthfuls. Noticing her stillness, he looked up at her and placed a hand on hers.

"You sure you're ok honey?" He asked, his voice full of concern. She fought back the tears yet again.

"I don't know." She replied honestly. "I'm sorry Gill, I guess I'm just not hungry." She pushed back her chair and pulled her hand from his. "I think I'm just going to go to bed." He nodded and watched her leave, his heart pounding with concern and guilt. How could he have been so stupid as to ask her to work with him there, even if there was no other choice?

She lay on the bed in the darkness. He knew she wasn't asleep but knew that she wouldn't want him to know that fact, so he silently climbed into bed beside her and placed a hand gently on her waist. She stiffened for a moment, expecting him to encourage her to talk. She didn't want to talk. When she realised he wasn't, she relaxed again but sleep never came. She just laid there, her lover sleeping silently beside her.

* * *

"Sara?" He whispered, almost certain she wasn't sleeping but being cautious just in case he was wrong. "Honey are you awake?"

"Yeah. " The sadness in her voice made is heart ache for her.

"Did you get any sleep?" He asked, hoping she would say yes, knowing she wouldn't. She rolled over to face him, giving him the answer he had feared.

"Why don't you take the night off?" He offered. She shook her head and moved so it rested on his chest. He ran his hand through her hair and down her back, resting it there to run his fingers in circles along it, hoping to bring her some comfort.

"What time is it? Do we have to go?" She didn't want to move. She felt safe here like this.

"Soon." He replied before kissing the top of her head. She closed her eyes and sighed before forcing herself upright. He watched her silently as she made her way to the bathroom, wishing her knew what he could do to help.

He had noticed her apprehension as soon as he told her about the case, seen it grow as they made their way to the scene. He had tried to reassure her, never left her alone, kept her away from the patients. He held her close when they took away the killer, whispered words of comfort to her but now he didn't know what to do. It was not unknown for Sara to become involved in a case and Grissom knew too well the reasons behind it, but this seemed to be upsetting her more than usual. She had barely spoken about it, something that he thought they had fought past, and he was worried. The woman he loved was hurting and he didn't know what else he could do to help.

* * *

They had driven to the scene silently, processed the scene with barely a word spoken and now they were driving back to the lab in silence. Nick eyed his companion wearily. She was pale, dark rims framing her sad eyes with her gazed was fixed on an unknown object in the distance. "Sara?" He got no reply. "Sara is everything ok?" He his voice was gentle and full of concern.

"It's fine." She mumbled, dropping her focus down her hands.

"You sure? It's just that you seem…"

"I said it's fine Nick. Just leave it." She sighed, closing her eyes. He nodded his head and turned his attentions back to the road. He wasn't surprised that she didn't want to talk, but that didn't stop him worrying.

* * *

Ok what do you think? Reviews much appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

When Grissom returned home from the lab the next morning he found Sara was already there. She was sat on their bed in dark, hugging her knees to her body. "Sara honey?" He lifted his hand to the light switch but she stopped him. "Don't." He moved over to her side and sitting on the edge of the bed so he was facing her, he placed a hand on her arm. "What's wrong sweetheart?" She shook her head and closed her eyes. "Please Sara talk to me." He moved his hand to her face, lifting it so he could meet her eyes. Even in the darkness he could see how empty they were. She placed her hand over his and placed a soft kiss on its palm before pulling it away from her and letting it go. She rested her head against the wall and looked up at the ceiling as she spoke. "Grissom…" He winced. She never called him that at home. "Gill," She sighed realising her mistake. "I…I just don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop seeing that place. Seeing him…" He frowned, not sure to whom she was referring. "Adam Trent?" He guessed, placing his hand on her knee, hoping to be of some comfort to her. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "My father."

He dropped his head and swallowed hard, not knowing what to say. She rarely spoke of her childhood or her family. He knew little of what happened to her before or after the death of her father at the hands of her mother. He looked up to notice a single tear sliding down her cheek. Taking both her hands in his he finally spoke. "I'm sorry Sara."

"Don't." She pulled her hands away from him, fighting back more tears. "Don't keep apologising! This is nothing to do with you!" She hadn't meant to hurt him but could see that her words had offended him. She stood up and walked across the room, standing with her back to him.

"Sara… I know that you don't like to talk about… what happened," He was choosing his words carefully, not wanting to aggravate her anymore. "But I want to understand. I want to help you." He stood up and made his way over to her but before he could reach out to embrace her she turned.

"I don't need your help Grissom! I don't need you to fix me! I'm not broken I just…" She couldn't hold back the tears any longer and he couldn't stand to see her so upset and in spite of himself he took her in his arms. She clung to his shirt, her body shaking as the tears fell. When they began to subside she pulled up her head and looked into his sad eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout."

"It's ok," He whispered. "I just…"

"I know." She placed her head back on his shoulder, breathing in his scent. He could feel her relaxing in his arms as he ran his hand in circles on her back.

"Maybe you should try and get some sleep." He could feel her nodding against him and silently walked her over to the bed, sitting her on the edge before pulling her shirt over her head. She took his face in her hands and drew it towards her, kissing him gently before resting her forehead on his chin.

"Thank you Gill." He kissed her forehead.

"I love you Sara Sidle." She smiled. "Now lets get you to bed." He handed her some clothes to change into and left her to get undressed. When he returned she was lying under the bed sheets, her eyes still open. He climbed in next to her and brushed her cheek with his thumb. "Sleep." He said closing his eyes. "I'm right here." Normally that would have reassured her, made her do just that, but tonight it didn't have that effect. She lay there for hours, her mind racing with thoughts of her past. Closing her eyes only served to disturb her more, images of blood and the look in the eyes of her mother and the killer from the case. They were the same. Empty.

* * *

Thanks for all the feedback so far guys. Keep reading and reviewing!T


	3. Chapter 3

They had been working at scene for almost an hour. Catherine had been processing the bathroom, leaving Sara to collect any evidence she could find in the bedroom. When she had finished, Catherine joined the younger CSI. "Hey. You need a hand?"

"Um, yeah. I'm nearly done but I haven't checked over by the window yet." Sara stood up to gesture towards the area of the room she want Catherine to work on, but her lack of sleep and loss of appetite got the better of her. Her head began spinning and she dropped her camera on the ground as she reached out for something to steady herself. She felt a hand under her elbow and another around her waist as the room became dark.

"Sara! Sara can you hear me?" She tried to speak but her words were barely audible.

"I'm ok." Her head fell against Catherines shoulder.

"Jim, I need some help in here!" She called for the detective, panic marked in her voice. Hearing his name, he ran into the room and helped Catherine lower the now unconscious Sara to the floor.

"What happened?"

"I don't know," She answered, brushing the hair back from the girls pale face. "She stood up and turn really pale, then…" He could see that Catherine was upset and put a hand on her shaking arm to reassure her.

"Sara honey, come on wake up. Sara."

"Come on sidle."

"Please Sara." Her eyes began to flicker. "That's it Sara. Can you hear me sweetie? You're alright Sara, you're alright." Brass wasn't sure who she was truing to convince, herself or Sara. She lifted her head from Catherines lap and tried to push herself up. Catherine helped her to sit while Brass fetched a bottle of water from her kit.

"What happened?" She breathed.

"You just fainted Sara. It's ok. Here drink this." She handed her the bottle, keeping one hand on it to steady it as Sara drank.

"Better?" Sara nodded, taking a few deep breaths to try and stop herself shaking.

"Lets get you outside for some air hey kiddo?" Suggested Brass, taking her elbow and pulling her to her feat with Catherines help.

"Just go steady ok." She just nodded, not telling them her head was still spinning.

* * *

The ride back to lab was quiet. Catherine asked her what was wrong but Sara simple said she hadn't been sleeping well. She considered driving Sara home but realised that at least if she was in the lab, she could keep and eye on her. She knew that something was wrong. Even before this she'd had her suspicions. Sara had seemed particularly quiet for the past couple of days and hadn't approached her work with the normal enthusiasm and determination. Nick had expressed his concerns but Catherine had put it down to a bad case of PMS, nothing more, but now she wasn't so sure she was right.

* * *

Catherines first thought on arriving at the lab was ensure Sara ate. Leaving her in the break room with a large glass of water, she headed to the vending machine and bought two bars of chocolate. Grissom was in the room with Sara, pouring them both a cup of coffee when she returned and placed one of bars on the table in front of her.

"Eat." She instructed, sitting at the table opposite her and opening her own bar.

"Catherine I said I'm fine." She glared at the woman for making a fuss over her in front of Grissom.

"Fainting at a crime scene is not fine." Grissom cleared his thought and turned to look at the two women.

"Are you ok?" He asked, not wanting to show too much concern for fear of letting Catherine know about his relationship with Sara.

"I'm fine." She glared at again at the woman opposite. She hadn't wanted Grissom to know what had happened and had convinced herself that she could somehow hide it.

"Sara if you're ill, you should go home."

"Look I said I'm fine. Just leave me alone." She stood up to leave but dizziness wrapped her body once again. Grissom was instantly at her side, lowering her back into her seat. Catherine was there too, perched on the corner of the table, her hand on the girls shoulder. When to the colour began to return to her cheeks, Catherine started her interrogation.

"When was the last time you ate Sara?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"And you haven't slept in how long?" She shrugged.

"You can't do this to yourself Sara. You push yourself too hard. You need to learn to let go, to rest from time to time!"

"You don't think I know that Catherine! I've tired, it's just…" She was becoming very agitated.

"Ok, ok." She removed her hand and stood up, not wanting to start an argument when Sara could barely stand let alone expend the energy to fight back at her.

"Maybe I should take you home." Grissom addressed Sara in a gentle tone but was giving Catherine a look that told her he was less than impressed by her actions.

"I don't need to go home."

"Yes you do." He said simply, drawing her to her feet, noticing how little she resisted him despite her words.


	4. Chapter 4

He entered to house silently that night, not wanting to wake her should she finally be sleeping. She had insisted he go back to work and not wanting to upset her he had complied with her wishes. He had been greeted with a torrent of questions when he had returned: Was Sara ok? Had he taken her to see a doctor? As her supervisor, what was he going to do about her? This last question was from Catherine and the truth was he didn't know. He didn't know as her supervisor or as the man who loved her.

He tentatively pusher open the bedroom door, relieved to see that her body had finally given into the sleep it so needed.

It was several hours before he awoke to find the mattress next to him was empty. He climbed out of bed and wearily made his way into the living room where he found Sara curled up on the sofa, staring into nothingness. "Hey honey, how you feeling?"

"Tired." Came the reply.

"Why don't you come back to bed?" He suggested, knowing they both needed the rest.

"I couldn't sleep." She sighed, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Bad dream?" Her silence told him he was right. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." The answer he expected came. He took her hand in his and ran his thumb in circles along the back of it.

"Are you hungry?" He asked hopefully, knowing she hadn't eaten all day but she shook her head. "I wish I could help you." He whispered, kissing her on the cheek and resting his face against hers. She closed her eyes and sighed, leaning into his touch, moving their hands so they were intertwined on his lap. They sat in silence for a while, all the time Sara contemplating what she could say to Grissom to stop him worrying about her. She wished she could bring herself to just say how she felt, trust him to not think less of her, but it was so hand. She looked down at their hands, lying as one and decided she had to speak. She couldn't keep holding back and hurting him like this.

"They all looked the same Gill. Michael Henderson, Adam Trent, my mother. It was like they didn't care, like what they had done or were about to do didn't matter. What if it stops mattering to me one day what I do? It scares me to think what I might be capable of, what I might do to another human being, to you."

"You're not like them Sara." He tried to reassure her.

"But some times I see my father, I see the blood and I'm glad he's dead. I loved him Grissom but sometimes what he did…" She stopped talking as tears replaced her words.

"Sara it's ok. It's ok to hate the man who abused you, but he was you're father and it's ok to love him too."

"Then why does it feel so wrong?" He couldn't answer this. He saw the desperation in her dark eyes and his heart broke. He didn't know how to help and it killed him. "It's going to be ok Sara." He whispered, wanting to believe that his words of comfort could be enough, knowing they couldn't.

Then cradling her in his arms, he did something he hadn't done in a long time. He prayed. Prayed that somehow he could stop the hurting, the bad dreams and make her smile again.

* * *

He could see the disapproving look in Catherines eye when Sara walked into the break room at the start of the shift. She still looked exhausted and instantly made her way to the coffee pot, filling the largest mug she could find and sinking quietly into a chair in the corner or the room.

"How you feeling today?" Braved Greg pulling his chair closer.

"I'm fine." She didn't make eye contact.

"You sure? You know I'm here if you want to talk."

"Thanks Greg but I'm fine, really." She looked up at him now, giving him a smile, but he didn't believe her.

They soon set about their work, Sara and Catherine still working on their home invasion from the previous shift.

"Sara." She said her name three times before getting a response.

"Oh sorry, were you talking to me?"

"Well there's no one else here so…" Smiled Catherine, sitting down next to the girl, her face instantly dropping when she noticed her hands.

"Are you ok? You're shaking."

"Am I?" She looked down at her hands to see that Catherine was in fact correct. "I guess I'm just tired." Catherine opened her moth to speak but Sara stood up before she had a chance to voice her concern. "I'm just going to go get some air."

* * *

Sara sat silently in the locker room, waiting for the shaking to cease. She wasn't there for long before Nick came in from the field to change. She cringed when she heard the door opening, not wanting to face the inevitable barrage of questions.

"Hey Sara. What you doing alone in here in the dark?"

"Nothing, I was just… thinking."

"Want to share?"

"No." She cleared her thought and stood up. "No, I better get back to work. Catherine will be wondering where I've got to." She brushed past Nick but he stopped her, taking hold of her arm.

"Sara, are you ok?"

"I'm fine." She replied.

"You sure?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. She nodded her head and tried to pass him again but he stepped in front of her, studying her face.

"Come on Nick, I've got to go." She tried again to leave but he wouldn't let go.

"Nick." She could feel herself beginning to panic but she didn't know why. She knew Nick would never hurt her.

"Talk to me." But she didn't talk, only pulled her arm away from him and began to make her escape. He reached past her and placed a hand on the door, blocking her exit. "Please Nick, I want to leave." She could feel herself beginning to shake again. Nick didn't want to do this but he was determined to find out what was upsetting her so much. She wasn't acting like herself at all and he couldn't bare to watch her torture herself like this anymore.

"Nick, please." He could hear her voice cracking as she pulled again on the door before finally giving in and resting her head on the doorframe. She began to cry and Nick pulled her into his embrace. "I'm sorry Sara. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to talk to me, tell me what I can do to help you."

"You can't." She said between quick, sobbing breaths.

"Let me try." She looked up into his eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with me Nick. I can't sleep I can't eat. I just wish it would stop."

"Wish what would stop?" She pulled away from him and sat on the bench in the middle of the room, her head resting in her hands. He hesitated slightly before sitting next to her, his hand placed lightly on her back.

"All the people we see Nick, all the things they do to each other." She stopped for a moment, looking at his anxious face. "Do you think you could ever do that?"

"No." He replied quietly, concerned about where this may be going. "Do you?"

"Honestly, I don't know." They sat in silence for a while. Nick though back to the time the team had investigated a case where several passengers on a plane had killed a man they believed to be a threat to them. Sara had been certain then that she could never kill anyone and he wondered what could have changed her mind.

"Sara you're a good person, one of the best in fact. You just need to see what a kind, beautiful, loving person you are and all those doubts will go away. We see people on the worst days of their lives…"

"What happens when our worst days come Nick? How do we know that we won't be pushed so far as to…" Her voice trailed off as the tears fell. He pulled her closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Sara, maybe you should talk to someone about this."

"I'm talking to you."

"No I mean, maybe you should talk to a councillor, someone who can…" She sat up and looked at him with a hurt expression in her eyes.

"Great, so now you think I'm crazy."

"No Sara I never…"

"You know what forget it. I shouldn't have said anything." She stood up to leave.

"Sara please…"

"I'm sorry Nick, to have bothered you." She walked away but stopped and turned when she got to the door. "I better get back to work." Nick waited until the door had closed behind her before walking over to his locker and kicking it hard. He was frustrated that he had got so close to making her trust him and talk to him before blowing his chances with one stupid remark. He knew she needed help, thoughts like those were not healthy and she had already worked herself to the point of collapse. There was only one thing he could think of left to do and that was to talk to Grissom.

* * *

Thanks for sticking with me! Hope you are still enjoying the story. Let me know!


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Griss, you got a minute." The supervisor looked up to see a rather nervous looking Nick Stokes stood in his doorway.

"Sure come in. Sit down." He did as he was instructed, pulling the door closed behind him. Grissom looked at him expectantly but Nick didn't speak.

"Is there something I can help you with?" He asked, knowing there must be.

"Yeah. It's, um, it's about Sara." Began Nick. "I'm worried that she's… pushing herself too hard. She just seems…a little depressed." Grissom nodded and removed his glasses, slowly placing them on his desk while contemplating how best to respond.

"Did she say something to you?" Nick sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"She did more than that Griss. The girl's a mess. You should have heard some of the stuff she was saying." He recounted their conversation, Grissom growing more concerned with every sentence. He knew things were bad but for her to breakdown like that at work she must really be suffering.

"Ok Nick, thanks. I'll talk to her."

"She needs help Grissom," He said, standing up. "You're the boss, just don't let her burn out." And with that he left.

* * *

She almost didn't enter the lab when she heard Wendy and Greg talking, not feeling up to conversation, but decided that feeling sorry for herself was no excuse for neglecting her case.

"Hey. Do you have my results?" She asked quietly, trying to force a smile.

"Oh Sara hey, I didn't see you there." Said Wendy, rummaging through a pile of paper next to her computer. "Here. No match I'm afraid." She handed Sara the DNA results with an apologetic smile. Sara just nodded and mumbled a thank you before leaving as quietly as she had come in.

"Is she ok?" Asked Wendy when she was sure Sara was out of hearing range.

"I don't know." Came the sad reply. "I hope so." He looked down at Wendy who was looking a t him expectantly. "You think I should go after her?"

"Well I know it's not for me to say, but yeah. You guys seem close and she doesn't seem… right." Greg nodded as if this gave him the confirmation he needed. He wasn't being paranoid there was something wrong. "Thanks Wendy." He said running out of the room.

"Sara." He called after her just as she turned the corner. "Wait up!" He came up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched at the unexpected contact and spun around to face him. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He apologised, noticing her reaction to him.

"It's ok." She flashed him another false smile.

"Can we talk?" He asked, frowning at her pale complexion.

"Um not now Greg I've got to…"  
"Sara!" It was Grissom, leaning round his office door. "Can I speak to you for a minute?" The pair both sighed.

"I need to…" She gestured towards the supervisors' office.

"Yeah." He said nodding. "I'll catch you later."

* * *

He didn't want to do this here but then maybe it would be easier to speak to her as her boss not as her boyfriend. After all he didn't seem to be succeeding at helping her in his later role. He saw her hesitate as she entered his office and was told to take a seat.

"Sara, I think we need to talk."

"Nick spoke to you didn't he." She said defiantly receiving a nod to confirm her suspicions. "What can I say Grissom, it was very unprofessional of me. It won't happen again."

"No Sara, that's not the problem." She looked down at her hands. "You need to talk to someone."

"So you agree with him then? Figures." She still didn't look at him, her voice devoid of emotion.

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't need to." She looked up now but didn't recognise the man she was talking to. She wanted so much to trust him but, right now, this wasn't the man she loved, this was someone else entirely. "Are we done?" She didn't wait for a reply before standing up to leave, having to catch herself on the edge of his desk as the effort made her head spin.

"Sara!" He rose to his feet, rushing to her side.

"I don't feel so good." She breathed, leaning back into his arms as he lowered her into her seat. He held her exhausted body, her weakness causing him obvious concern.

"You need to see a doctor."

"No Gill, no doctors." She shook her head, a hint of panic in her voice. "I'll be ok in a minute."

"I'm not giving you a choice Sara. I'm worried about you." She rested her head on his arm, closing her eyes.

"I'm just so tired." Her voice was weak.

"I know sweetheart, I know." Nick had warned him this was going to happen and he should have seen it coming. But he was so desperate for her to be ok that he had tired to deny the possibility. Only now, seeing her like this, he realised he couldn't do that anymore.

* * *

Thanks for all your reviews so far everyone! Love to hear what you think! Only a few more chapters left now so just bare with me. Nearly there!


	6. Chapter 6

He sat by her side, holding her hand as she lay in the hospital bed, an IV drip in her hand and a multitude of drugs running through her veins. He had been relieved in a way that she didn't have the energy to protest his bringing her here and she had been compliant until she was advised to stay in the hospital for a while. It was then they had sedated her, knowing she needed to rest and that her agitation would not allow it. When her was sure she was sleeping, he slipped out of the room to call Catherine.

"Grissom, thank God. I thought you were never going to call!"

"Yeah sorry it took a while. I didn't want to leave her."

"How is she?" They had all seen her being carried from his office, unable to support her own weight, and it had scared them.

"They want to keep her in. She's hooked up to an IV because she was dehydrated and her blood sugar was low and they have sedated her to help her sleep."

"I should have seen this coming, done something sooner."

"That's my job Catherine, not yours." He sighed.

"We are all her friends Grissom, you can't blame yourself for this."

"She's going to need some time off." He said, changing the subject. "Can you ring Warrick, see if he can come back a couple of days early? We're going to be pretty short otherwise"

"Sure." Anything she could do to help.

"I'm going to stay with her tonight. She's pretty upset and I don't want her to wake up alone."

"Ok don't worry. I can handle things here."

"Thanks Catherine." He new he could always count on her when he needed it.

"Just see she gets better ok. Give her our love."

"I will." They said their goodbyes and hung up, Grissom instantly returning to Saras side. He may not have been able to prevent this, but he was determined to make sure he was there to look after her now.

* * *

"Sara Sidle?" She looked up to see a small woman in a pale grey suit, smiling down at her.

"Yes." She sat herself up in the bed, even this slight exertion making her muscles ach.

"Hi. I'm Doctor Williams, one of the psychologists here…" She was interrupted before she could finish her introduction.

"Psychologist?"

"Yes. Yes you're doctor asked me to speak to you. Do you mind if I take a seat and we can just have a chat?" Sara didn't reply, just shrugged her shoulders, knowing she didn't have much of a choice.

"Thank you." The woman sat before continuing. "So you're doctor tells me you haven't been sleeping well recently. Do you know why that is?" Sara shrugged again, looking away from the woman.

"Bad dreams I guess."

"Do you want to tell me what there about." She looked back at her now. She had a friendly face; one Sara wished she could trust. When she got no reply, the psychologist continued.

"It says here that you work for CSI. You must see some terrible things. Do they ever come into your dreams?"

"Sometimes." She admitted. "My job keeps me pretty busy. I don't have a lot time off."

"Do you think your job is stressful?"

"I guess." She shrugged again. She just wanted to be left alone.

"Do you feel stressed?" The woman continued to probe.

"I don't know. Sometimes"

"Do you feel unhappy?" Sara didn't answer this. The fact was she did but it wasn't really because of her job. The questions continued.

"The man who was with you, is that your husband?"

"No he, he's my boyfriend." It sounded strange to say it out loud, their relationship a secret from so many people.

"He seems very worried about you. He must really love you." A flicker of a smile crossed Saras face at this last comment. "That must make you happy. To know you're loved."

"It does." She said, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "He makes me happy."

"But there is something making you unhappy?" She eyed the woman again and nodded, not wanting to speak for fear of the threatening tears beginning to fall.

"It's ok if you don't want to tell me now, but it might help to share your feelings. I know you probably think there is nothing I can do to help, but sometimes just talking is all it takes." She smiled at the girl in the bed, the anguish in her eyes indicating how much she needed this. Sara nodded and took a slow breath before beginning to speak. It was surprisingly easy to talk to her, this woman she had never met before, who couldn't judge her for her worries.

"Thank you Sara." Smiled the woman when she had finished. "I know that must have been hard." Sara wiped a stray tear from her cheek and looked over at to the woman who now knew her deepest fears.

"So do you think I'm crazy?" Hearing in her own mind all the things she had just confessed, Sara was herself convinced she must be.

"No I don't think you're crazy and you mustn't think that either. I do however think that you could be suffering from depression. You may benefit from a few more sessions with me, to try and help you come to terms with what you have been through and how you feel." Sara nodded. "For now though you need to concentrate on getting your strength back. If you like, I can prescribe you some drugs that…"

"No, no drugs!" Protested Sara.

"Ok. I wont, but if you find you're having any problems, please call me." She rummaged in her pocket and handed Sara her card. "Take care of yourself ok." Sara nodded.

"Thanks." She said as she was left alone again to rest.

* * *

He had left her for only long enough to go home and shower, change his clothes and eat. He was relieved on his return to find that Sara was still sleeping. He silently slipped into the room and resumed his position by her side. He simple sat, watching her sleep, not caring if it was the drugs or her own body that was allowing her to do so. She stirred and slowly opened her eyes, smiling when she saw him.

"Hey. How you feeling?" He said, brushing her hair away from her face.

"Better. Are you here to take me home?" She tried to sit up in the bed didn't have the strength, her earlier discussion with Dr. Williams draining any energy she had.

"No." He gave her an apologetic smile. "You need to stay here. Just until tomorrow, until you're feeling a little stronger."

"But I don't want to be here Gill. Please."

"Sara, I can't. Please honey it's just for one night, until the doctors are sure you're ok." She nodded, knowing he was right, but he could see the hurt in her eyes. "I'll be here with you Sara. I'm not going to leave you."

"But Gill the lab…"

"That doesn't matter right now. I just want you to get better." He knew it wasn't as simple as that, knew that a night in the hospital would not solve her problems but it might at least help. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and away from this place but she needed to stay here and so he would stay with her. For as long as she would have him, he would be there.

* * *

Thanks for still reading! The response to this story has been great, I can't say thank you enough for all the reviews (you may have noticed that one already!)


	7. Chapter 7

She was still exhausted and simply the journey from the bed to the car had left her feeling drained. She fought to stay awake as he drove her home but lost the battle with only a few minutes of the drive remaining. Grissom couldn't help but smile at her. She looked so peaceful sleeping there next to him, more so than she had in days. It seemed a shame to wake her, but she would rest better in their bed.

"Sara honey." He gently shook her arm, causing her to mumble a quite protest. "We're home. Come on." She opened her eyes now as he unclipped her seat belt and made to help her out of the car. His hand placed on the small of her back, they made their way into the house, greeted by Hank, his tail wagging at the sight of his masters' return.

"Hey hank. Have you been a good boy?" She yawned, patting his head. Grissom smiled at them both, a glint of happiness sparkling in her eyes.

"The best." He said kissing her on the cheek. "Why don't you sit down and I'll make us some tea?"

"Actually Gill, I think I might go lye down for a while."

"You ok?" He studied her face, noticing her pallor had begun to return.

"Yeah I'm fine. Don't look so worried." She chuckled slightly and smiled at him, taking hold of his hand to reassure him. "My heads just feeling a little… fussy that's all." This had not been meant to worry him further but it had. He placed her bag on the floor and took hold of both her arms.

"Ok. Lets get you to bed."

Despite her assurance that he needn't be so concerned about her, he couldn't help it. Sara had always seemed so strong but these recent events had made them both realise that she was not as immortal as she may sometimes like to believe. He sat on the bed tenderly rubbing her back until she drifted off to sleep and he soon followed her into a much-needed slumber.

* * *

He was woken several hours later by her gently murmuring next to him, shifting her position as her mind filled with unwanted, haunting images. He considered waking her, stopping the nightmare but instead he lay next to her and pulled her close. He whispered words of comfort, stroking her hair until she began to relax. "That's it honey. It's ok. I'm right here."

* * *

When Sara woke, it was to the smell of fresh coffee, pancakes and toast. She pulled on her robe and made her way to the kitchen to find Grissom laying the table, complete with flowers. She leaned against to doorframe, watching him with a smile on her face, the first time she had really smiled in a long time. "Hey." He looked up and smiled. She looked somehow different. She looked more like Sara.

"Hey yourself. How'd you sleep?"

"Very well thank you." They met in the middle of the room, their arms wrapping around each others waists.

"I'm glad." He kissed her forehead. "You hungry?" She peered over his shoulder at the impressive array of food he had prepared.

"Breakfast at this time of day?" She queried receiving a simple shrug.

"I can make something else."

"No. It looks great. Thank you." He led her to the table and sat her down, placing a pancake and a large glass of orange juice in front of her. They began to eat but Sara soon found herself pushing the food around her plate, unable to finish. She mumbled an apology, feeling guilty that her had gone to so much effort for her. He immediately brushed the apology aside, insisting that it was ok and offering to run her a bath, an offer she willingly accepted.

* * *

Feeling clean and relaxed, Sara crawled into her bed, pulling the covers up high around her neck. She closed her eyes just as Grissom entered the room carrying a large mug of tea. "Feeling better?"

"Much." She pushed herself up and took the mug form him, flashing him a grateful smile.

"I'm going to call the lab, tell them I'm taking the night off…"

"No Gill, don't do that." She placed the tea on the table beside her taking hold of one of his hands. He looked puzzled but then her explanation came. "They'll know." Her voice was almost a whisper.

"But Sara, you need me here."

"Gill please, I promise I'll be ok. I just can't handle them knowing…not now." She looked down at their hands, not wanting him to see the tears that were slowing forming.

"They don't have to know." He traced small circle on the palm of her hand.

"But they will Gill, they're not stupid." She met his eyes, and he saw the desperation. "And then Ecklie will know and he'll…" He hushed her as the first tear fell.

"He wont do anything." He assured her, not entirely certain if it was true, but not really caring if it was. She was the most important thing right now.

"Why? Because I'm stuck at home in bed, because I collapsed with exhaustion, because I'm depressed…" She hadn't really meant to say that out loud but now she had there was no going back. He winced at this last word. He knew she had spoken to a physiologist but they hadn't yet discussed the meeting.

"Sara…"

"It's ok Gill. There's no point in pretending it's not true." She angrily wiped a tear from her cheek and tried to regain her composure.

"I'm sorry Sara." He finally said, not sure why he was apologising.

"For what?"

"For upsetting you."

"It's not you're fault." He slid his hands up her arms, until they reached her shoulders.

"We will get through this." He pulled her towards him, brushing his pips against her before resting her head on his shoulder. He could feel her beginning to cry again, shaking in his arms, but it didn't; last long. He soon felt her relax and rested her against the pillows, her eyes struggling to stay open.

"Are you sure you'll be ok if I leave you here?" She nodded and finally gave into sleep.

* * *

Thanks for still reading! x


	8. Chapter 8

The last couple of shifts had been tough on Greg. He'd been working on a hit and run case which had cost the life of a 15-year old boy. He knew that ordinarily Grissom wouldn't have assigned him the case as after his run in with the law a few months ago, these cases were hard for him, but with Sara not at work, there had been little choice. Saras absence made it harder in other ways too. He had always found it easy to talk to her if he was feeling doubtful about a case, finding it hard to distance himself and without her there he had to keep those feelings to himself. Above all else though, he was worried about her. He couldn't help but think that if he had spoken up sooner and tried to get through to her that things may have never gotten this bad.

The team had eaten breakfast together when the shift ended, Nick making sure Greg had joined them to try and lighten his mood. It had worked for a while, but once they had all departed and the distraction of conversation with his friends had gone, Greg found himself feeling rather alone. He had decided to walk home, taking a detour in the park, hoping the fresh air would help clear his head.

* * *

She had only been out of the hospital for two days and already she was beginning to feel frustrated. She needed to get outside, away from the four walls that were trapping her with her thoughts. She sat up in the bed and glanced down to see Hank curled up with his head resting on her feet. She smiled, sure that his presence was the only thing that had really persuaded Grissom that he could leave her at home while her went to work. She leaned over and ran her hand over his soft fur, causing him to lift his head and look at her with tired eyes. "Fancy a walk?"

* * *

She hadn't realised how far she walked or how long she had been out of the house until she heard her phone ringing and Grissoms anxious voice on the other end of the line.

"Don't worry Gill I'm fine. I'm with Hank."

"Sara you're supposed to be resting." He tried to reason with her, concern still lacing his voice.

"I know. I just needed to get out, needed some air."

"Ok honey, just don't be too long." He sighed. "I don't want you to over do it."

"I wont. I'm heading back now. I wont be long." She hung up the phone and looked around her. It was going to take longer to get back than she had thought. She sighed. She didn't want to admit it but she was feeling pretty tired.

"Come on Hank." She pulled on his lead and began her return journey but it wasn't long before her own weight began to get too much for her and she had to sit down to rest. It didn't take her long to realise that sitting down to rest wasn't going to be enough as the familiar fussy feeling was returning to her head. Shaking slightly, she removed her phone from her pocket and flipped it open only to find that she could barley make out what was written on the screen. She felt like crying, but knew she couldn't.

She wasn't sure how long she was staring at the phone for when she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

"Greg." She focused on his face and managed a weak smile.

"What are you doing here? A long way from home aren't you?" he asked sitting down beside her.

"Yeah I guess."

"Who's this?" He asked referring to hank. "I didn't know you had a dog."

"He's, um, he's Grissoms."

"Grissoms?" He repeated, not sure if he was more surprised that he had a dog or that Sara was walking it for him. She nodded, leaning forward slightly and supporting her self with both hands on the bench. She didn't want him to know about them but she knew there was a good chance she wasn't going to get home without his help.

"Are you ok?" He placed a concerned hand on her arm, noting how pale she was.

"Just tired." She breathed. Greg was about to speak but was cut off by her phone ringing.

"I'm still in the park…. I know I'm coming back now… I just needed to sit down for a while... No you don't need to do that… Honestly Gill it's ok… Really, I'm fine. I'm, um, I'm with Greg... Yeah. See you soon…Bye." Greg hadn't failed to notice the use of his bosses first name. He had thought for a while that she may be seeing someone, it just hadn't occurred to him that it was Grissom, but now he thought about it, this explained a lot. Their behaviour towards each other had certainly become a lot more friendly, any sense of uneasiness between them had lifted and they both seemed happy, until recently anyway.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" She looked at him and smiled.

"That would be great." He helped her to stand and they began to walk, his hand resting on the small of her back, ready to support her if she needed it.

"So, how are you feeling?" He asked when they had been walking for a while.

"A little better. I'm still pretty tired though." No to mention the continual urge to cry for no reason, the nightmares that didn't seem to be ceasing and the sense of irritation she was beginning to feel for the whole situation.

"Yeah I bet." He rubbed her back and gave her a gentle squeeze. It felt good to talk to her again.

"I'm sorry I've been a bit… off with you all lately. I've just not been feeling like myself." He didn't reply, hoping she would continue but gave her a glance to check that she wasn't upsetting herself by talking to him like this. She remained silent for a while too, listening to the pattering of hanks feet beside her, contemplating how much she wanted tot ell Greg. "I um, saw a physiologist the other day. I think it helped, to talk to someone."

"You know we're always here for you Sara…"

"I know. I do, I know that. It's just hard sometimes… She doesn't know me you know. She can't judge me."

"I would never judge you." He said quietly pulling her closer to him as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"You're a good friend Greggo." He rested his head on hers and smiled. They walked along in silence for a while longer before she spoke again.

"What about you anyway? You only ever come here if there's something bothering you." She lifted her head to look at him, a shadow of concern crossing her pale face.

"Just a tough couple of days that's all."

"Want to talk about it." He smiled. It was typical of Sara to jump to the aid of others when she was clearly the one who needed the help. She always seemed to be the least important person in her own world, just one of the things that made Greg love her so much. He had once hoped for a romance with her but now a friendship was more than enough. She had always been there for him, now he was going to be there for her.

* * *

He had been trying and failing to finish off some paperwork as he waited for Sara to return. He had almost considered phoning her again to check that she was still ok but didn't want to sound too neurotic. He breathed a sigh of relief when her heard her keys turning the lock and quickly made his way to the door to meet her. The first thing he noticed was that she and Hank were not alone but were in fact accompanied by Greg, something he had not expected despite knowing that she had met him on her walk. The second thing he noticed was how pale she looked followed by a realisation that a large part of her weight was being supported by the younger CSI. He rushed to her side, taking hold of her arm and assisting Greg in leading her over to the sofa.

"I think the walk was a little too ambitious." She stated, leaning back against the sofa and closing her eyes. Greg glanced nervously at his boss, hoping he had done the right thing by bringing her here.

"You've gone very pale Sara, are you feeling ok." He wanted to take her in his arms but knew he couldn't, not while Greg was there with them.

"Um-hum. I'm just tired." She mumbled.

"Ok." He rubbed her arm, looking decidedly anxious at her appearance. He thought she was getting better but this seemed to prove otherwise. He took Hanks lead from her hand and unhooked it from his collar, the dog immediately leaving them in search of his water bowl. "Lets get you bed." Grissom pulled her to her feet, her body falling against his. Greg shot to his feet as she stumbled forward.

"Sara!"

"I'm ok. Just a little dizzy." She breathed, pulling herself back, trying to support her own weight.

"Do you want to sit down?" She shook her head.

"It's ok. I just stood up too quickly. I just want to lay down." Greg watched helplessly as Grissom led her to their bedroom. He couldn't help feeling there must be more he could do to help.

* * *

Almost finished now I think. Please keep reviewing. I'm slave to it!


	9. Chapter 9

Greg had already left when Grissom returned from settling Sara in bed. He rubbed his hand across his temples and sighed. He was fairly sure that Greg wouldn't say anything but he couldn't be sure, and right now, the potential repercussions of outing his and Saras relationship was not something he wanted to consider and she certainly couldn't handle it. He would have to speak to him, make sure that what he had seen that morning remained between them and nobody else. Feeling the beginnings of a migraine setting in Grissom decided to join Sara in bed where they both slept, undisturbed for most of the day. It was Sara, who woke first, rolling over to face Grissom, pulling herself closer to him. He woke moments later to the feel of her warm breath on his neck.

"Gill." She whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"I'm glad you did." He smiled, wrapping his arm over her body and pulling her closer to him still, kissing her tenderly on the lips. She nestled her face into his neck as he slowly ran his fingers though her hair, bringing his hand down to rest on her waist.

"Let me stay home tonight." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I want to be with you." Sara didn't reply as the warmth of his embrace had sent her drifting off to sleep again. So they just lay there silently, closer than they had really been in weeks.

* * *

"You're still here." She said sleepily, waking to find Grissom lying next to her, his hands wrapped around one of hers.

"It would appear so." He replied, pursing his lips in a small smile.

She glanced at the clock and noticing the time said, "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"No. I called and told them I couldn't make it in tonight. Something came up."

"Oh it did, did it?" She smiled, leaning in to kiss him. When she pulled away she rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes, speaking slowly. "I don't want you to worry about me. I know I haven't been myself lately but I just need some time." Her fingers were tracing a figure of eight on his stomach. "I just have stuff I need to figure out…" Her voice trailed off.

"You want to tell me what that stuff is? Maybe I can help." She sat up and looked down at him, her dark eyes glistening with the formation of tears. He pushed himself up too so their faces were just inches apart. She leaned into him, pressing her lips to his and parting her lips so as to deepen the kiss but he pulled away.

"Sara…" She looked down and shook her head.

"I'm sorry." He frowned and took hold of her hands.

"I just want you to talk to me. You're upset and I don't want you to…"

"It's ok." She said, looking up at him now. "I understand."

"I know I've hurt you in the past Sara…"

"Gill." He ignored her and continued to speak.

"But you have to believe me that I will never…"

"Gill"

"Hurt you…"

"Gill stop." She took his face in her hands silencing him and making him sigh. "I know. I know you would never hurt me and I'm sorry if anything I have said over these past few days has made you think otherwise. I love you Gill, I know I don't say it to you often but I do."

"I love you too."

"I know." She smiled, taking hold of his hands again. "I know."

"Then let me help you." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, she looked at Girssom, really looked at him. She realised at that moment that this was hurting him as much as it was hurting her and she couldn't bare it. It had to stop.

"I'm so tired of it Gill, feeling like this. I hate it that I can't forget my past. When it only came back to me in my dreams it didn't seem to matter but now… I don't want to be like them Gill, please don't ever let me become like them." Her voice was beginning to break.

"I wont. Never." He squeezed her hands, encouraging her to continue.

"When I first went into foster care, they would take me to see my mother in the institution. I think they thought it would be good for her to see me; they wanted to know how she reacted to me. And then… they locked her away like she was the one in the wrong. I know its wrong to kill people Gill but she was protecting herself… protecting me. Sometimes I think she did the right thing." She looked away from him, trying to compose herself. "It was all my fault really. If I had stopped him from hurting me…"

"Sara you were a child. It was not your fault. Don't ever blame yourself." He found it hard to believe what he was hearing, that she was blaming herself for the death of her father and her mothers jail sentence was more than her had expected.

"I know that deep down, I do but being back in that place… it just made me feel… crazy. The other foster kids used to tell me I must be mad. I mean how could I not be when my mother was so unstable as to kill my father? I guess after a while I started to believe them."

"Do you still believe them now?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "I honestly don't know anymore." She ran both her hands through her hair, taking a slow, shaky breath. "I'm just so tired of it all. This isn't me Gill, this pathetic emotional wreck. It just isn't me and I don't want to feel like this anymore." She felt herself crumbling, unable to hold back the tears any longer. "For the first time in my life I have a person who loves me and who I love back. I have a real chance of being happy but I feel like something is stopping me. I don't want to be stopped Gill! I don't want to be scared to love you." He took her in his arms and let her cry. "I'm sorry." She gasped between the tears.

"Shh, don't be sorry."

"I don't want to cry anymore." But she was powerless to stop it.

* * *

The sudden rush of emotion had proved too much for Saras already exhausted body and she had fallen asleep in his arms. He had laid her down but did not break his contact with her, like his holding her could protect her from her own doubts and fears. The shrill ringing of his mobile phone beside the bed drew him back to reality as he hurriedly reached to answer it, desperate that the sound would not wake her.

"Grissom." He said, his voice hushed as he crept from the room to continue the conversation.

"It better had have been some emergency Grissom. The lab is over run, you call in one of your CSI early from his vacation time then don't turn up yourself!" It was Ecklie and he did not sound amused.

"It was." He said calmly.

"What was?" The other mans tone much harsher.

"An emergency."

"Well is the crisis over or will you be taking more time off?" Asked Ecklie, a hint of sarcasm creeping into his voice.

"I'm not sure." He replied honestly. "I need the rest of tonight though."

"Fine. You do realise Gill that if you had better control over your team it wouldn't have come to this. I tried to tell you before that Sara…"

"Leave her out of this Conrad. Her being sick…"

"Overworked." He corrected. "You let her push herself too hard. Its your job to take responsibility for the hours your team work and you sat back and let her work to the point of collapse." Grissom didn't hear the rest of his ranting as his attentions turned to the mumbling coming for the other side of the door.

"Look Conrad can we discuss this later? I have to go." He didn't wait for an answer before hanging up and returning to Sara who was tossing in the bed looking distressed and panicked.

"Hey Sara it's ok. I'm here." He ran his hand over her forehead to try and calm her but did not succeed. "Sara honey, it's just a nightmare. Come on, wake up sweetheart." He took a little more encouragement before Sara finally opened her eyes, bolting upright and falling into his waiting arms. "Shh, it's ok. I'm here, I'm right here." Her rapid breathing soon began to slow and she pulled her head from Grissoms shoulder to speak.

"Gill I… thank you." She rested her head against him again, wanting to be close to him, wanting him to hold her and make her feel safe while she slept.

* * *

Greg had a proposal for Grissom, which he offered to him on his return to work the following night.

"It's a nice idea Greg but we don't want people to know about our relationship and they may be more than a little suspicious if…"

"I know. That's why we are going to do it at my place not yours." Grissom frowned as he considered the idea. "So…" So Greg, his patients wearing thin.

"Ok. Ok I think she'll really appreciate it. Thank you Greg."

* * *

"Sara?" He walked into the room to find her sat on the bed, a book in her hand. She smiled when she saw him, glad to see him home. "How are you feeling?"

"Ok actually. How about you? Did Ecklie say anything to you?"

"Not really." He took hold of her hands and pulled her to her feet. "Come on," He said. "How about breakfast?"

"I think I could manage that." She said, smiling at the odd expression on his face.

"Well why don't you take a quick shower and we can go and have breakfast out for a change?"

"I'd like that."

* * *

"So where are we going?" She questioned when they had been driving for a while.

"No where special." He said cryptically.

"You know you've never been a very good liar Gill." She smirked, receiving no response as Grissom concentrated on the road ahead. He pulled into the car park of a small apartment block, a smile spreading over his face as he did so.

"Isn't this Gregs place?" She asked.

"Come with me." He took her hand and led her up to the second floor, only letting go of her hand when he heard the footsteps of their host coming to answer his knock at the door.

"Sara!" Greg flung his arms around his friend barely giving her time to react before he led her into his living room, smiling at her shocked expression as she saw the rest of the team seated there. They all rose to their feet, taking it in turns to hug her and express their pleasure at seeing her. She barely said a word, taken back by this gesture of kindness. Nick took her hand and led her to the empty space on the sofa next to him.

"Don't look so shocked." He smiled.

"But I… why would you…"

"Because we love you Sara. Grego here said you were feeling a bit down and figured this might help cheer you up."

"Well it has." She said. "Thank you. All of you." She felt an unexpected tear roll down her cheek.

"Hey what's with the tears?" Nick said gently.

"Nothing." She laughed. "They're happy tears."

Grissom stood, quietly watching as the scene unfolded before him. His team, his friends, all coming together for the sake of the woman he loved. He placed a hand on Gregs arm as he brushed pasted him on the way to the kitchen.

"Thank you. She needed this." Greg smiled and gave a silent nod, the expression on Saras face being the only thanks he really needed.

"Grissom." Catherines soft voice broke his train of thought. "You joining us?"

* * *

When breakfast was over Grissom drove Sara back to their town house. "Thank you." She said as they pulled out onto the road.

"It was all Greg." He admitted. She smiled and closed her eyes.

"I love you Gill." She whispered. "I don't even feel scared anymore." He smiled and glanced over to her, seeing she was tired after the mornings' excitement. "I'm glad. Now sleep. I'm right here."

* * *

THE END

Sorry it took a while to get up the last chapter. Hope you liked it anyway.

Thank you again for all the reviews. x


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